i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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