we have pet lesbian snakes
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
