I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
