There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
