The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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