I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
