Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
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