I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My ass is underappreciated
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize