i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
