You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
