mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
