Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
