I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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