is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
