We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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