I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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