My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
