I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
