After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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