When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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