My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
