it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
