turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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