I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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