I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
