time to smoke my breakfast
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
