He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
