Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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