you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
