I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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