Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
