got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The power of my boobs compel you
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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