I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
