the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Found the puke drawer
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
