so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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