A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize