My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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