Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
