ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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