The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i just sent this text using only my big toe
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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