i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
