I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
