She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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