if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
