my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
