I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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