My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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