I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
