Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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