Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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