you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
