An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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