Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
