i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
