Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
