He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
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