And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
