so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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