i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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