I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
