ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
