she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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