I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
