Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
