i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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